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Cyn's Journal
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
[ << Previous 25 ]
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2002.11.14 21.40
Day 10451 - Thoughts on love
Love's Vivisection
Love is an emotional
Incision
From throat to groin
Through bone and
Deep to reach out
And touch another's
Beating heart.
But true love
Is taking the risk
In remembering
That the other
Is physically
Human and
Someday their
Functions will cease.
And you will be left
With your guts
On the floor with
No one to
Help you hold
Them
In.
CSE
11/13/02
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2002.11.01 16.48
Day 10438 - About mom
The Science of Beauty
My mother
Destroys beauty
With the dogma of
Observed reality.
She is a bitter
Scientist
Looking for
Meaning in
Disorganized patterns.
I am much like her
But I still
Allow myself
Suspensions of
Disbelief
To observe
Differently
And I find that
Beauty often
Happens in
The most
Unexpected places,
And that has
Made it worth
All the sadness
In between.
CSE for ME
10/23/02
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2002.06.20 17.36
Day 10304 - Small reprieve from silence
April, 2000 - I went to New Orleans, Louisiana and fell in love. I thought it was because I had finally seen where Joy had spent some of her youth. I thought it was because it was somewhere I had never been before. Strange, though, that the reason I fell in love with it was because it was familiar. It reminded me of home, or the only place I can truly call home: Las Vegas, NV.
This love is a strange one. It resides in the deep alcoves of tenderness; places where only memory can smooth the curves and knead sentiment. This is for that place.
NO-LA: 2000/4
I recognize you,
New Orleans,
With tourists who fill
The streets with
Shallow mirth and
Paper money.
Do your gypsy fortune
Tellers predict how
Many bags of refuse
Will be piled on the
Sidewalks tomorrow
Morning?
I recognize you,
Bourbon Street,
With snares at
Every corner;
But
Your music
Hits the brain like a
Hurricane
Caught up in the
Dizzying romance of
Your aging columns
And narrow streets.
I recognize you,
Mississippi River,
Not from Mark Twain
Departing with a
Cynical smirk,
But replaced
With the drunken
Hazy history of the
Old man in his
Sunday suit and
A pawn shop
Saxophone.
I recognize you,
New Orleans;
You remind me of
Home
But soaked in
The imagination of
A Cajun drawl
And a passionate
Preservation of your
Past.
I recognize you,
New Orleans;
You remind me of
Home
Where people think
Just because it's
Not home
They can do what
They please
With you.
I recognize you,
New Orleans;
You remind me of
Home.
-- CSE
April 17, 2000
Mood:  happy
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2002.04.23 12.22
Day 10247 - That's it for a while
I'm having huge bouts of insecurity lately, so I've come to some temporary decisions so I can get back to myself again. Careful, whining ahead.
1) LiveJournal is magnifying my insecurities to insane levels. I know this forum is supposed to be about me and my own thoughts, but no one seems to comment, and I haven't said anything interesting since I started this thing. Among many things, my birthday also passed without comment, and yes, if feeling bad about this makes me seem like an insecure, whining baby, then so be it. It also makes me feel like I'm screaming "LOVE ME" into the never-ending ether and expecting a response. I think the expectation is the worst of it all.
2) I'm not as important or meaningful as I thought I was. I grew up thinking I meant something to the world--like I had something to contribute. But, more and more, I realize I am insignificant to more people I can possibly imagine, and it hurts me. I have lived too long worrying about what other people think about me. I need to remember myself again.
3) I remembered why I really hate people. The reason--because they have consistently rejected me for reasons I cannot or will not change: I am overweight, I am not white, I am not a genius, I am not profound, I am not socially acceptable, I am not male, I am not straight, I am not a movie star, I am not famous, I am not rich, I am not religious, I am not a drug addict, I am not an alcoholic, I am not an enigma, I am not a beautiful, unique snowflake.
4) I have to remember I am loved by the people who know me in my real life.
5) I have been a bad friend and have accidentally isolated friends I wanted to keep. To those who fall into this category: I'm sorry. We have lost each other through change, geographical distance, my laziness, things I have probably said or not said. I am not who I thought I was, and maybe I'm not who you think I am.
This is my last entry for a long while. Writing an entry about not writing entries almost makes me feel worse. Drew Carey said, "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." Well, apparently, everybody feels the way I do now once in a while, but you know what: I can't take it anymore. So, I quit. If this and I still co-exist by then, see you on Day 20000.
-- C
Mood: relieved
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2002.04.20 22.57
Day 10243 - Finally, we get to capture souls
Everyone say it: hurrah. Joy and I finally got a digital camera. Life will be better documented. Folks, I don't know how long it's going to take for Joy to get sick of me complaining how horribly obese I look in pictures. I'll try to supress the urge (mostly).
As promised, picture of Jack, the Cat planet, for your viewing pleasure.
Joy also updated her picture page, and there's some cute pictures up there. We also went to Shutterfly to get some 4x6 photos and some wallet photos. I'm so excited. Joy is so damn cute. I am so damn lucky.
Day 10243 inspiration - New Novaform pillows to sleep on tonight.
Mood: cheerful
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2002.04.18 13.16
Day 10242 - All lesbians must talk about their cats, and I'm no exception
Joy's cat Solaris has been kinda mopey since we got Jack (the cat planet). But they are getting along better by sniffing noses. My co-worker sent this email to me today. Apparently, she's been snooping at Solaris' journal. (I added the final day myself)
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Day 781 - Very productive day, journal, for my plans-born of my dark and miserable heart- are finally coming into fruition. For the past month, I have been busy making a rug of my own hair. Today, I tore it apart and placed them in strategic places where it would be 1) the most annoying and 2) the most noticeable: a fresh laundry basket, a carelessly discarded black polar fleece pullover, the fabric covered couch, and the dinner table. I also took the liberty in hiding the sticky hair remover they hold so dear. Oh, the chaos that ensued when my captors arrived home. Especially when they found out that both my hair and marking fluid will not come out of that fleece for three thousand years! My existence will live on without me! Mehowowowoyow!
Day 10242 inspiration - Maybe snow or rain this weekend
Mood:  creative
Music: 100% Funk - A Target Collection of funktifiable tunes
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2002.04.17 11.24
Day 10241 - What the world needs now is love, sweet love
A Promise
I want my own weight
Sinking into my bed.
I want the shoes I
Walk in to be my own.
The time I spend
I will spend with myself.
I want to sing the songs
I wrote in my head,
Laugh at my own jokes,
And be pleased because
I have pleased myself.
The person I know
Inside and out
Will be me.
To know you:
I will know myself.
To know grace:
I will forgive myself.
To know life:
I will live myself.
To know love:
I will love myself.
This I promise me
And no one else.
-- CSE
4/17/02
Day 10241 inspiration - Me
Mood:  peaceful
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2002.04.09 16.38
Day 10233 - Defensive, hell yes
This is really starting to hack me off, people.
I know it's been trendy for years to knock Las Vegas, NV around, and to say knee-jerk stereotypical spew about the bright lights or the lack of depth, etc. Growing up in Las Vegas (yes, humans actually live there), people would ask me, "Oh, they actually have *schools* there?" Going to the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, people would ask me, "What's your major: Blackjack?" titter. You may think you're clever, but you are not. And here's where I'll tell you why, and where you can stick it.
Get Off Yourselves
Several points:
1) Las Vegas is an amazingly interchangeable landscape with no true historical value, so every 10 years or so, it can be torn down and rebuilt into the next Big Thing. The one unchangeable reality about Las Vegas is money. If you can imagine Madonna (the entertainer) as a city, Las Vegas would be it.
2) People who go to Las Vegas with the expectation of elegance and refinement will be sorely disappointed (unless you know where to find it). People who go to Las Vegas with the expectation of excess, cheap thrills and some cheesy entertainment will be more satisfied. The best thing my friend got out of our visit to Vegas was a silver glitter pen with "Las Vegas" painted on the side and a pink feather sticking out from the end. She was thrilled; it was perfectly Vegas.
3) Please remember (most people don't) that Las Vegas is more than The Strip and the Downtown area. There are really great places to eat outside of those large venues, state-of-the-art schools, a low cost of living, a thriving university, a steadily increasing artistic and music community, and no state tax. If you can't find anything interesting: YOU'RE NOT LOOKING HARD ENOUGH.
4) What people consider "washed-up" and "third-rate" entertainers have been there in Las Vegas for years (i.e. Neil Sedaka, Wayne Newton, Tom Jones). Just because they are not top 40 does not mean they don't garner fans and get people into the casino.
5) I think the biggest thing about Las Vegas that most people tend to forget is: it doesn't take itself half as seriously as the people who dislike it. It's *supposed* to be lite-brite lights, big city; it's *supposed* to be kitschy and cheap. One should not expect to go to Las Vegas with the hopes of intellectual stimulation because that's not what it's there for. It's a city dedicated to making a load of money off other people's fleeting pleasures.
So...
The next time you come back from Vegas with some horror story to tell about how boring it was, or how everything was so annoying, or what a terrible time you had because you lost so much money? Remember this:
Las Vegas is everywhere and nowhere. It leaves you to decide what it is because it has no definition. It becomes a mirror: a true definition of you as a person. If you are boring, Las Vegas is boring. If you are fun-loving, Las Vegas is fun.
Suggestions for people who just won't get it
If you have to go because of a business trip, and you dislike it, I have several suggestions for you:
Stay in your hotel, watch cable, visit Target or Wal*Mart, go see a movie, go visit a mall, go to Sweet Tomatoes/Olive Garden/Starbucks/Bennigan's, or some other suburbanite familiarity you seem to love, and leave the rest of the city to people who will actually enjoy the city for what it is. Thanks.
Mood:  angry
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2002.04.04 16.37
Day 10228 - Aftermath of 04/03/02
Well, folks, I had a very Veggie Tales birthday.
My co-worker threw me a relatively large celebration at work complete with Bob and Larry plates and cups, sliced fruit and frozen yogurt. That was pretty cool. I don't enjoy being the center of attention and having a lot of fuss over me, but it was a great time none the less.
Sheer Terror and Pleasurable Screaming
After work, Joy picked me up and we went to see Veggie Tales Live! As you can imagine (or maybe you can't), it was very much geared towards children under 5, so the suspension of belief can last for miles. The attention span, again as you might imagine, is short. The show was filled with familiar songs and snappy dialogue to keep their young audience happy. I laughed despite myself, screamed, and sang all my favorite songs at the top of my lungs. I even got a t-shirt.
Tornadoes
We got out of there around 8:15 pm and beat all the parents to the parking garage. We had 9:00 reservations at 240 Union. A restaurant, I might add, is FABULOUS both in decoration and food delights. The outside looked *very* 80s, but the inside was a Colorado restaurant decorator's dream. Joy had the pork chops and I had the ribeye steak. We had this wonderful deep fried rock shrimp and calamari appetizer seasoned with ginger/sweet chili sauce and kumquats. We wolfed everything down and swilled some moderately priced wine.
Me, jokingly, to the waitress:
"So, what're these Grand Tornadoes of Beef you got here?"
Her, incredulous, but polite:
"No, those are TOR-naaah-dos."
Me, getting a delight in irking her:
"Oh, TOR-naaaaaah-dos. Okay, so what exactly are TOR-naaah-dos of beef? Are they cut in a swirling pattern or what?"
Her, not laughing:
"They are actually cuts of beef like filet mignon. Small little medallions."
Me, wearing thin:
"Ah, in that case, I'll have the ribeye, medium rare."
She was a decent waitress, though I usually like one that laughs at my jokes and kisses my ass. But hey, I didn't look like I was made of money, so maybe she didn't want to expend the effort. But, she did bring us an extra piece of key-lime pie for my birthday. We tipped her well.
The fun came after.
Good Luck
I got to talk a little bit with one of the cooks. He had been cooking for 12 years and learned everything he knows from books and experience. He said the job didn't pay very well, but he enjoyed the creativity the profession allowed. I admired the set-up of the kitchen--everything within arm's reach (even my short ones) and built for efficiency. I was in awe. I wanted to be him in his lightly spattered white uniform and sweating face. He wished me luck in wanting to become a chef, and he told me to read. I told him I was.
It was a good day.
Day 10228 inspiration - The Veggie Tales movie is coming soon!
Mood: chipper
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2002.03.30 21.27
Day 10223 - There's just something about my job
More job angst. If you don't like it, move to someone else's entry.
I never wrote poetry
I never wrote poetry
Until I left that job
And it started when
I picked up a pen
And scratched some
Words on the back
Of my hand.
It said nothing,
And it didn't rhyme
But I wrote,
"It all starts when
You need it to.
Then it ends
When you
don't."
I never wrote poetry
Until I left that job
And it ended when
I stopped listening
To my eyes
And heard the
Words on the back
Of my hand.
-- CSE
Day 10223 inspiration - Butternut Squash Bisque and Italian Pot Roast dinner. Whahoo!
Mood: chipper
Music: Solaris' plantitive meow and Jack's silence
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2002.03.29 16.43
Day 10222 - Part Zwei - What's with the chickens?
I'm glad you asked.
My co-worker sent this to me and I just loved it so much, I decided to use parts of it as my livejournal picture. Regular comments are the chickens staring, and when I'm mad about something, I feel like a chicken watching another chicken get roasted.
It made sense at the time.
So, now you know... THE REST OF THE STORY. :)
-- C
Mood:  silly
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2002.03.29 15.44
Day 10222 - I'm going to do it
All right, world.
In an effort to try to escape the feeling like I'm worth very little in this world, I'm going to do it. I may fail, I may prosper, I may do something in between, but I'm going to do it because I can't stand it any longer. It's been too long, and I have been feeling too low for so long now, I must do this, or I'll cry.
I am submitting some damn poetry to the Atlantic Monthly.
And you know, I'm going to submit the limit: 6. I was accidentally published when I won a Christmas story contest in 1992. I tried to publish again, but all the doors were locked, and I was too young. I gave up too fast.
I'm 10 years older, and it's about time to come out of my own self-pity and fear, and try this again.
Here's a line-up of possibilities:
The Word is Slow
Aftermath of This Exploding Star
This Part of Town
Snowtops of Colorado
Pastor Clinton
(? something older; I haven't decided yet)
SO. If I get turned down for all 6, I will be severely crushed, but I am willing to take the fall. I'll just get up and try again.
Day 10222 inspiration - My low self-esteem
p.s. - L, I will explain the chickens when J posts my .jpg. -- C
Mood:  determined
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2002.03.28 15.06
Day 10221 - Misc.
Work
I'm still alive and still working my job. I love it because it gives me a way to spend money on things I need, but I hate it because it's slowly sucking my soul away. It's performance review time, so I have to act like I enjoy my job. It's painful to smile while you are kicking your toe into the wall over and over again.
Better Things
Relaxing and irresponsible--these are two good words in the right context. The context in this case was a road trip to Emporia, Kansas. A good time was had by all, and I actually remember most of the trip. I tend to drink and smoke a lot, but we survived. I saw people I didn't expect to see, and saw people I meant to see, and didn't see people I wanted to see. It all worked out.
Joy and I finally got the new Indigo Girls album (yay!). It's more turned down than CONS, and it's slow in simple in structure, but complicated in lyric and idea. One of the songs (You've Got To Show) reminds me of a late 70s/early 80s lounge just before closing. The furniture is plush and shiny, lots of glass and mirrors. The mirror ball shines on a drunk couple, slow dancing with exaggerated movements. They look as if they have been disco dancing all evening--their clothes fit them loosely now, and their eyelids are half-shut. They mouth the words to each other with a small slur ("While you occupy me, I command my dreams each day to bring you in me even thinly as the morning chases you away..."). It's a good album to relax and daydream.
Animals
I said I'd never get another cat. I don't like cats. I didn't grow up with cats, and I have never enjoyed their company. Until Solaris. Damn him. Now, we're getting another cat. And not just one of your thin anemic regular-Joe house cats, but a 5-6 year old HUGE 19.2 lbs. domestic shorthair red tabby. He's cranky; he's lazy; he's a planet. We will pick him up tonight from the Denver Dumb Friends League. This time, we promise to take a picture... somehow.
We haven't settled on a name yet... and this is a fundamental difference between Joy and me. I want to name him G'Kar--an imposing Narn from Babylon 5. Joy wants to name him Greebo? from a Terry Pratchet novel. We still have to decide, because shelter gave named him "Jeepers". Please. I would have named him "HolyMotherofGodhe'sfrikkin'huge". But maybe they didn't have room in their database.
Day 10221 inspiration - I'll be 10227 days old soon.
Mood:  hopeful
Music: Become You - Indigo Girls
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2002.03.20 10.42
Day 10213 - Mush
Three years ago today, Joy and I kissed for the first time. It was long and sweet, liberating and reaffirming. It was something we had both wanted to do for a long time, but didn't know it until that moment when it happened. Everything didn't fall into place right then, like you hear in some romance story. It was more as if the pieces became clearer; the path became less muddy; my sight vivid and clean.
It was a hard road from then on because we finally knew what it would take to see it through. But see it through to what? Once the fog from the path was lifted, we were heading towards a fork in the road--one headed off a cliff, the other... the other, we didn't know. I was going to stay with her, no matter what--even if it meant just being friends. I wanted to be close to her, no matter what the cost.
And now we're here. We avoided the cliff, and we headed down a different path. I kissed her this morning, three years after the first time. I am different: moved to Denver, 10 lbs. heavier, 1.5 years of "real" work under my belt. She is different: her hair no longer in barrets, working for the State, waiting to get out of IT. She smelled the same, and I felt the weight of her arms around me. I remember wanting to hold her until the last moment when she had to leave. I remember crying after she left. I remember joy and exhilaration when she returned to me.
But most of all, I remember living my whole life with her in my head 2 hours after I met her in the bus station. We had a garden. We were married. We tickled each other in the kitchen. We kissed each other well and often. Little did I know that 3 years and 3 months later, we would be on our way to that daydream. I close my eyes, smile, and say, "Yes."
Happy three year Anniversary, Joy. Thank you for making the last 1096 days of my life everything I have always wanted and more.
Day 10213 inspiration - We will return to the scene of the crime this weekend.
Mood:  loved
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2002.03.19 16.27
Day 10212 - Oh, to know
Middle Ground
Mary Chapin Carpenter
From Shooting Straight in the Dark
For years she's lived on her own
In a corner of the city
Twice a year she gets back home
Playing catch-up with the family
She tells her folks what they need to know
Her mother says she's much too thin
Her sisters ask about her beau
Her dad inquires, how's business been
She's thirty-three this time around
She's always been real good at listening
Her sense of humor never lets her down
Except sometimes there's something missing
Hey, middle ground
A place between up and down
She could be safe and sound
Oh, to know middle ground
For years she's been on her guard
She's kind of tense around the shoulders
She wonders why she works so hard
She counts the days 'til they promote her
She'll take a weekend now and then
To stay in bed and watch the reruns
She'll turn the phone off when guilt sets in
But Sunday always kinda leaves her let down
Hey, middle ground; a place between up and down
She could be safe and sound; oh, to know middle ground
She gave her heart away one time, and says that she hasn't seen it since
Love's a puzzle in her mind; the pieces match, but don't quite fit; hey...
And these days run thick or thin
It never rains, or else it's pouring
All her single friends are men
She thinks married girls are so damn boring
Hey, middle ground; a place between up and down
She could be safe and sound; oh, to know middle ground
Hey, middle ground; a place between up and down
She could be safe and sound; oh, to know middle ground
Oh, to know middle ground; oh, to know middle ground
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2002.03.19 08.52
Day 10212 - Are we not men?
Have you ever wanted to see Joy and me as men? Well, now you can with amazing flash technology. We look like convicts, though, and I look like my cousin:
Joy is Joseph and I am Syd. Don't be scared. This is just further indication that neither of us should go through gender reassignment surgery. That, and I would prefer a man-basket bigger than a baby carrot. :-D
I knew you'd want to know that.
Day 10212 inspiration - Three more days in a four day week. Hooray!
Mood: cheerful
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2002.03.15 16.54
Day 10208 - Underlying homophobia
All right, it's crap like this that hacks me off into splintered little pieces:
Paper Suggests End to Priest Celibacy
By JUSTIN POPE
BOSTON (AP) - In an extraordinary editorial on the city's child-molestation scandal, the official newspaper of the Boston Archdiocese says the Roman Catholic Church must face the question of whether to drop its requirement that priests be celibate.
The editorial, published Thursday in a special issue of The Pilot, asks whether there would be fewer scandals if celibacy were optional for priests and whether the priesthood attracts an unusually high number of homosexual men.
...
The archdiocese is the nation's fourth-largest, with more than 2 million Catholics, and is the center of the biggest child-molestation scandal to rock the U.S. church.
It has been under fire recently after it was disclosed that officials knew about child sex-abuse allegations against the Rev. John Geoghan and did little more than move him from parish to parish. The now-defrocked priest has been accused of molesting more than 130 children over 30 years. He is serving a nine-to-10 year prison sentence for groping a boy, and the archdiocese has agreed to pay up to $45 million to scores of his alleged victims.
...
The editorial poses such questions as: "Should celibacy continue to be a normative condition for the diocesan priesthood in the Western (Latin) Church? If celibacy were optional, would there be fewer scandals of this nature in the priesthood? Does priesthood, in fact, attract a disproportionate number of men with a homosexual orientation?"
It also encourages greater attention to homosexual orientation and the priesthood, and asks if there are valid ways to screen priests for sexual orientation. The editorial also says that "evidence now seems to indicate that (homosexuality) is a genetically inherited condition."
Click for the complete article
Okay, so a couple of things:
1) This editorial suggests that only homosexual men molest children ("If we get rid of the homosexuals, there won't be any more molestation problems"), and
2) It also suggests that heterosexual men don't molest boys ("Because only homosexual men are attracted to boys. Why else would they molest them?")
This is just another knee-jerk reaction to a much larger problem. I know that celibacy plays a large role in helping young men focus on their self understanding and commitment to God. But screening for homosexuals will not eliminate the problem of biological urges and temptations in even the most heterosexual of men.
Why do people constantly think getting rid of homosexuals is the answer to everything?
Day 10208 inspiration - The weekend!
Mood: cranky
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2002.03.14 16.53
Day 10207 - Dos
ACTION ALERT -- Please Post Widely
What: City Council Meeting for the Introduction of a Resolution
Establishing Sanctuary for Freedom and Civil Liberties
When: Monday, March 18 at 6:00PM
Where: Denver City & County Bldg. @ Colfax and Bannock
We will meet in front, Meeting is on the 4th floor
Who: The All Nations Alliance and all organizations or individuals who
support Sanctuary
Why:
We urge everyone who supports the Sanctuary Campaign and the Bill of
Rights to come out in support on Monday for the Introduction of the
Resolution. We need as many people as possible to pack that city council
meeting room and show the City Council members who support us that they
support the people. Come show your support for the City Council members who
are taking the first step toward standing up for our Constitution and
against the illegal USA PATRIOT Act. The resolution will be introduced, and
we believe we have the support to pass it. However, some City Council
members are planning fierce opposition, including buttons that state
something like "Don't make Denver a Sanctuary for Terrorists." There will
be speakers, and there will be opposition, so we need as much support for
this Monday as we can muster. It would not be necessary to stay for the
entire meeting if that is too much. Please come and be a part of this
historic event.
"The strength of the Constitution lies entirely in the determination of each
citizen ot defend it. Only if every single citizen feels duty bound to do
his share in this defense are the constitutional rights secure."
-Albert Einstein
For more information contact:
Brian Morse
American Friends Service Committee
303-623-3464
bmorse@AFSC.org
Mood: hopeful
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2002.03.14 14.58
Day 10207 - Geek Muses
I just *had* to share:
This poem brought to you by the
Periodic Table of Poetry site
The Dreaming Poetry of Hydrogen
my dreams burning like Hindenburg zeppelins
in the cold gray morning
I rub hot ashes in my eyes
straining to cry for the loss of fantasy
I could be a painted witch-doctor but
the minute hands of rain would wash
away the facade
does this mask look good
I cannot tell
it was built from inside to out
hydrogen is burning quicker
only the flaming skeleton remains
to come crashing down
in a room full of Gods--
none shall fear my bones
Day 10207 inspiration - "none shall fear my bones"
Mood:  amused
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2002.03.01 13.45
Day 10194 - More thoughts in line format
Sense of you
From this place
On your thigh
I can feel the warmth
Of the sand on a
Sun-soaked beach,
And know the
Coolness of a
Melbourne Breeze,
Making its way
Over slower
Senses.
I savor the scent
Of cinnamon and
Yogurt,
And know the sound
Of South and
Comfort,
Sighing its way
Down narrow
Alleys.
From this place
On your thigh
You are sensually
Defined
In all the spaces
We live.
-- CSE for JEL
3/1/02
Day 10194 inspiration - A partial weekend spent indoors with an afghan, a cup of chai, and a cute girl.
Mood: content
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2002.02.25 14.58
Day 10190 - Concluding remarks
Part III: Lessening the Burdens and the Blame
Observation #3: Love should not come from filling a void.
Too often, filling a void-whether it is loneliness or self-esteem-becomes the basis of love. People will do anything to fill the emptiness: drugs, alcohol, meaningless sex, or passionless marriages. They don't feel as if they deserve any better because this is all they can get, and this is all that is within their reach. What is important to realize is that no one or thing can fill their void-they must do it themselves. Sometimes this may mean being alone, or doing something considered "selfish" (read: just for you, not for anyone else). In these times, you cannot cop out and say, "Oh, but I like doing things for other people, it makes me happy." In this case, your altruistic efforts are not altruistic at all; you are just trying to fill your void again by relying on something else other than yourself. And that altruistic behavior ends up being selfish.
Final Suggestions
With all that said, I do have a suggestion: tell your boys, "Men can do anything women can do." Raise your boys to be self-reliant, independent, and strong. They do not need a woman to fill their self-esteem. Teach them to take care of themselves like you teach your girls. Loosen the pressure off your girls, and tell them they do not need man to fill their self-esteem. They don't need to be both breadwinner and housekeeper to feel complete. It may then be possible that they will find someone to truly love with heart, soul and mind rather than just filling the void.
This has been an unequal, dysfunctional playing field for too long. We have been living in a world where we must push another down in order to gain stature. It's not working. Just as I enjoy seeing a strong, independent woman who is not afraid of handling a wrench or mowing the lawn, I love seeing a strong, independent man. One who is not afraid of doing the dishes, cooking, cleaning, picking up after himself and the kids, and taking care of the children. It's not feminine; it's not masculine; it's just stuff that needs to be done.
So... go and do something just for yourself. Love because you want to, and not because you have to. Teach your children to do what needs to be done.
And just do it. :)
Day 10190 inspiration - Cooking a 5-course meal because I want to.
Mood:  full
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